I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
