I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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