I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
