what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
