I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
