I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
