my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
