My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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