I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
