I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
