mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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