Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
