I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
