I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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