His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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