You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
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