i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
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