I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize