Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
