Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Randomize
