I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
