I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Randomize
