dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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