I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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