Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
