apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
