The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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