I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
