The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
