oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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