Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
