Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize