??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
