His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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