Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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