i just wanna soil my oats bro
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
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