I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
