You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
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