So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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