there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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