my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
