ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
