Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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