that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
