I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
what day is it and did you see me today?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Shame - the story of my life.
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