that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
