I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
