I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
