Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
You may now shotgun with the bride
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
