i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
