my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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