I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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