Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
