Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
