He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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